Monday, July 28, 2008

Sad

I miss my mom... I miss her from the core of my soul to the ends of my finger tips. I miss her love, her affection, and the way she knew me. I miss knowing that I could go and spend time with her and not have to say anything, but I'd still feel better when I left. She knew each look, mood, smile, sigh... she knew me. I feel so alone.... No one here knows me like she did. I'm reading a book in which is suggests that you ask your parents to be a part of something very special, something that they should be a part of. And it hurt so deep inside to realize that I don't have parents to ask. I know that my dad is still alive, but I honestly don't think that he could tell you what my favorite color is, let alone describe my personality and know if someone would be suited for me. I feel orphaned in many ways. I know that God is here, and that he will never leave me. But sometimes I just need to be loved by a mom... I need to be hugged and told things that a mom tells her daughter. :( I think that having been a part of an event all about cancer this last weekend amplified my emotions and brought to surface things that I thought I had been dealing with. I guess the reality is that grief is cyclical... sometimes you handle it really well, and others something as small as a smile from a stranger can trigger the memories and you're flooded with emotion. I just miss having my mom... I miss having that one person who is always on your side and supporting you. I'm having difficulties with a particular issue in my life, and I know that my mom would be so incredibly supportive.

Cherish your family and friends. Live each day as though it's the very last chance you'll get to tell anyone how you feel about them. Don't wait to tell someone that you love them. I can honestly say that I told my mom I loved her several times a day every day. There wasn't a day that I didn't talk to my mom, and there wasn't a call where the conversation didn't end in I love you. If you went home to Heaven tonight, would people know how you felt about them? It's not worth keeping those feelings inside... let people know they are special to you.

2 comments:

Lexi said...

I saw this pop up today and I just wanted to give you huge hugs. I can't even begin to know how you feel but know that we think of you guys and pray for you often. You are so very special. And God loves you and thinks you are SO SPECIAL too! Sending big hugs to you!!!! Maybe I'll get to see you soon and give you those hugs I'm sending!!!

MontanaOakley said...

I haven't been able to keep up with your blog very well, so I am just seeing this now. i want you to know that I have been there. It has been ~12 years (I can't believe its been that long) since my mom passed away. I know though that you have wonderful friends and family supporting you and that you are relying on the most reliable - God. That is the important thing. Unfortunately, there are still "firsts" in life that get to me and make me miss my mom again. You will have those times too. Those are times, that I reflect the most on what she taught me and the times I had with her. I encourage you to take that opportunity as well. Another thing that helped was taking those times and journalling the memories, so I will have memories to share with my children and share with my sister. Sending love and hugs. Elizabeth