I've been sitting atop the mountain for the last few weeks... so completely filled up that nothing could bring me down. It was amazing... breathtaking from that view. I haven't felt quite that good for a long time. I rarely get to the low points I used to, but it's been a while since I felt so alive. It was a beautiful combination of God, friends, fellowship, and His preciously orchestrated timing. It had a lot to do with the wonderful people and deepening friendships. I knew I couldn't sit up there forever... that it was a time set out to be reminded of where I've been and how far I've come, to know that I am loved and that I can step outside of my comfort zone.
I think that sometimes being around people for extended periods of time reminds me how alone I feel the rest of the time. I get used to spending a lot of time by myself, and I naturally seem to put up a barrier so that when I don't get "filled up", I'm still okay and happy. It's a facade for others, and an even bigger one for me. I realize that God created us to be close with other people, to desire that contact and conversation. And He created me to be loving. I can't change that part of me, although I seem to try and repress it frequently. That is a big part of me, something that makes me, me. I think that I'm struggling tonight with what I know to be true and what I feel. It's very apparent that God has provided for me, ALWAYS, for needs I knew I had and even the desires of my heart that I didn't. I know that HE is just as much here as He has been the last few weeks, and that all of those friendships are as well. And yet my heart is still lonely tonight... I'm still a bit sad that things aren't different. I'm a little less content with where I am, especially when compared to where I thought I'd be. I just want to be filled up... and stay that way for a while.
In The Garden....
6 days ago