I'm still going over the events of the past week in my mind... it was trying, sad, and difficult. By the end of it, I had allowed fear and anxiety to take hold of me - to question what the future holds and the path I'm on, to really think about what I want. I can say with certainty that my faith carried me this week... He carried me.
It seems like during times of stress, I miss my mom more. I dream about her, and she's always just out of reach - I can't actually touch her or have a conversation with her. It's painful, and always saddens me that things can't be right even in my dreams. This week was no different. When things are changing around me, I long to have her next to me... to hear her voice tell me that it's going to be okay, that I'll be okay. I just need her familiarity, and the comfort of my mom, the sound of her reassurance. She seemed to fill the cracks I get when I can no longer handle the pressure .
I have many things to be thankful for though, and I've been choosing daily to focus on those things. My life is "rich". I have much more to be thankful for than those for which I'm not. The biggest of those being my Savior, and all that He has done for me.
Having Christ in my life means I'm never alone. It means that although my circumstances may not be perfect, I can have peace in my heart and a calmness in my soul. I never have to question whether or not I'll be okay because I am always resting in His hands. When fear, doubt and loneliness seem to surround me, His presence becomes even more real in my life. He continually provides me with a love that covers it all. When I sacrifice it all to the One who gave his all for me, my eyes are opened to the purest and most enduring relationship I've ever experienced. Having Him means that I have freedom to love - love others, support them and encourage them, and by doing so draw closer to Him. He has commanded us to love others, and as we do He pours out his blessings upon us. Being able to live in that freedom is exhilarating.
It means that no matter what else is happening in my life - He is unchanging, constant, a strong tower and safe place to rest. When I relinquished all the things I'd been harboring and carrying, I was freed up to focus on the now and not the things I can't change. I woke up yesterday feeling refreshed, and alive in Him. I was able to simple "be", and enjoy the beauty of the day and the people that I got to spend time with. The way God works never ceases to humble me and amaze me. I'm always filled with an overflowing amount of gratitude for the things He chooses to do. One of the things our pastor said in his sermon this morning was that when we choose to be thankful, it helps put things in the correct perspective. That's exactly what it did for me this weekend! I chose to be thankful for the things I DO have, and all that He has done for me - and seemingly the other things started to shift down in my mind. I am, and will continue, to focus on the good things. I know that my present and my future are resting in His hands -- what does that leave me to worry about? Not a whole lot... :)
Back once again.....
6 days ago