Saturday, December 19, 2009

Gifts and Grief

Sometimes it's so easy to look at our lives and see the abundance of blessings, and God's gentle guidance. Other times, it feels as though we diligently seek to see what His plans are, and in what ways He is trying to grow and strengthen us, and we come up short in response. Sometimes it feels like feast or famine. Thus the reason it is so important to remember that God is with us... to always trust in His plans and His provision in our lives, even when we cannot see it.

I feel that I have overcome a lot in my grief this year... that in some ways the pain has dulled a little and that I've learned to work through the different stages as they surface yet again. I have seen so completely that I am okay, and that I will be okay no matter what because my God is right by my side. But as Thanksgiving approached, my heart became a little more heavy, and it's following suit for Christmas. I just genuinely miss my mom. I miss our traditions of decorating the Christmas tree while listening to a particular Amy Grant Christmas cd. I miss having everyone together at her house. I miss the sound of her voice and her smile and laughter. I just miss her. I learned this year that God indeed knows the desires of my heart, and that He meets them in the most beautiful and special of ways. I know that despite feeling alone, I never really am. And I know that He sees the tears I cry, and that He keeps each one. Even knowing all of these amazing promises, and holding each one close to my heart, I still hurt. I sometimes feel as though my emotions are going to take over... that maybe it's not okay to cry but rather at this point I should be strong and not grieving anymore. It's been three years, but I'm still learning how to live without my mom.

My prayer tonight is that my heart will be filled with His love, and that Joy will overcome every other emotion I have right now. Our Savior left Heaven to come and rescue a sinner like me. We should celebrate His birth and all that it represents for us. Each circumstance and experience in our lives occur for a reason, and He'll use every one of them for good. I know that my mom's death is ultimately what brought me back to Jesus... and I wouldn't trade where I am with Him for anything in this world. He is my life, my strength, my very breath. And in every thing I will praise Him... with each remembrance of my mom I will thank Him for blessing me with someone so special for 26 years... with each smile from my nieces and nephews, I will praise Him for the innocence and unconditional love of a child... with every phone call from someone I love, and each message I get, I will praise Him for the ways He's so graciously blessed me and gifted me with love, friendship, and understanding. I know that so often I fall short in praising Him during the painful moments, but I'm so glad that He sees into my heart and knows that I want to even when I can't muster the strength to lift my hands.

Merry Christmas! May you be blessed with more love than your hearts can hold, and may you feel true peace that comes from knowing Jesus.

In Him~

No comments: